karma and punishment

nothing changes if nothing changes

Several months ago, I went out to dinner with a group of friends. One of them invited her new colleague, who just moved to our city and was a few years younger than the rest of us. Hearing our exchanges about live-in partners, graduate degrees, and semi-established careers, she seemed to imagine that our lives were more together than hers. Of course, none of us were volunteering our deepest financial fears and darkest interpersonal struggles to a near-perfect stranger over margaritas. It’s not comfortable and it’s not what you do. Those conversations only happened between the closest among us, usually with wine and cake on the floors of our small, under-heated apartments. Sharing only what was light and fun at this clubby Mexican restaurant, we inadvertently conveyed a facade of unwavering stability.

She was brave enough to ask. Maybe for reassurance that our lives weren’t really that perfect, or advice so that hers could be too someday.

We all paused. The friend who invited her answered.

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is a constant state of change.”

I agreed emphatically, but hesitated to speak before mumbling something about being overwhelmed with work. Things (my relationship and career) really were going well for me at the time. As for everything that wasn’t perfect (my relationship and career), it was easy to pretend otherwise. I didn’t want my life to fall apart.

But fall apart, it did. Shattered, in fact, so that instead of having pieces left to pick up, I had only dust to choke me.

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Sometimes bad things happen. We all have those days, weeks, even months in which everything seems to go impossibly wrong, over and over. It’s never convenient to get a flat tire, make a mistake at work, go through a break up, or sustain an injury.

Meanwhile when things seem to be going right, many of us find it difficult to fully enjoy and be present in those moments. We are anxious that the tide will change and spend much of that time preparing for the worst. Of course when things eventually do fall apart, as they are liable to, we romanticize the happy times and dream of being able to relive them.

Why do bad things happen? So many people have tried to answer this question, through philosophy, psychology, religion, or observations colored by their own schemas. Even the Pinterest girlies have tried and come, in my opinion, the closest to succeeding so far.

I was raised to believe in Buddhist concepts like karma, and that’s often how I try to explain and cope with my difficult spells. You reap what you sow and what goes around comes around and all, at least according to the most popular and reductive interpretations.

Eventually I started to interpret karma the same way, as some sort of proof that I deserved anything bad that ever had or would happen to me. When anything went awry, I told myself it was my fault and I must have done something to deserve it. The logic did not go both ways if things went well, but it did dictate how I acted. In theory, this would make sense. But in practice, I just burnt myself out to keep everyone else dry.

Karma can explain a lot. One of the cardinal rules of Buddhism, though, is that it cannot be explained, beyond a call for sincere intent and conscious action. There’s no determining when, how, or even if we’ll pay for our mistakes. We cannot be labeled simply as good or bad, and neither can the twists and turns of fate. Sometimes the worst events can be blessings in disguise, and sometimes those blessings turn out to be curses. What we do know, though, is that all of it is impermanent, or anicca (another Buddhist concept).

If I could go back to that dinner, I would speak through my six-months-younger self and answer the question a little more honestly. I would say that although my life wasn’t perfect at the time, it was pretty amazing and I was happy. Not because I was amazing and perfect, or that I was aware of doing anything to earn that happiness, but because sometimes life really is that great. And sometimes it isn’t, because actually my life happened to suck for a couple of months the year before that, and six months later it was apparently going to suck again. I would say there isn’t too much in the way of advice, except to go through the twists as turns as gracefully as you can. Ride out the waves of change. You’re not a better or worse person based on the things that happen to you, but you might be better or worse off for how you respond.

And you never know when your luck will change. I’ll leave you with some of my favorite Pinterest finds <3